Today I am so thrilled to have Brooke Castillo join me on the podcast to talk about connection in your marriage. Brooke teaches us more about connection and love, what creates them in our minds, and how to feel more of both in our marriages. She explains how to feel whatever you want even if your husband doesn’t do what you wish he would do. Brooke is an amazing teacher and dear friend and I can’t wait for you to hear her thoughts on this topic.

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To listen to Brooke’s podcast episode about marriage CLICK HERE.

18 replies
  1. says:

    This was brilliant…I had my daughter listen it to it to show her how she expects so much out of her sister. If she does everything in her “script” then she will like her. She got it and she is 12. It’s still about practiceing but an ah ha moment for sure. I love that I get to love my spouse just because. I’m also way better at keeping the house and kids schedules etc…he can keep the whole providing for us thing, he is amazing at it.

    • julie says:

      I think this is good advice for kids. Even when a sibling or coworker is not holding up their end, you can’t just say “it’s not fair.” While we cannot force a person to be responsible or contribute, things still need to get done. It is not acceptable behavior, but we still love our children/siblings. It is the parent’s job to allow the child to suffer the natural consequences for their checking out of being a team player in the family.

  2. julie says:

    I found your podcast and have been binge listening for weeks now. I LOVE them. But…I have to say this was the worst marriage advice I’ve ever heard. I tried to accept a deadbeat husband and be happy and disconnected. The codependency and my lowering of expectations of my husband actually made my marriage worse. By condoning his lack of personal responsibility, his continual quitting jobs, and his investment in our relationship and family, I actually made the codependency worse. I do not think it is okay to be a man’s mother. I appreciated your previous podcasts about personal responsibility and codependency and all of that, and so I am surprised that in this podcast is a complete reverse. Did I misunderstand?

    • Jody says:

      Hi Julie – The message here is not that you should allow others to mistreat you. When we allow others to mistreat or take advantage of us that is not operating out of love and connection. The love and connection of OURSELVES must come first which Brooke mentions here but we don’t expand upon in this particular episode. When a spouse (or another person) is mistreating us and we love ourselves we don’t allow for it at all. Remember the message is that both partners meet their own needs and show up to have fun together in the middle. That’s very different than mothering your spouse which I agree… is a terrible arrangement. A person can only be do-dependent on me if I allow it. I would never recommend anyone allow that. It doesn’t serve either person well.

  3. Taylor says:

    How do you get to place with yourself where you no longer need your husband to show/express their love for you through your love language?

    • Jody says:

      You can make a request but the danger with love languages is we believe the other person should now meet our request if they love us. But that’s not what it means at all. You must manage the meaning your mind is giving to your husband’s behavior. If I say I need him to hug me and so he does, he’s hugging me because I told him to. Not because he feels loving in that moment. So it makes no sense to me to require that he show is love in any certain way other than how he does. You won’t need him to when you truly understand that and remember that your job is just to love yourself and love him rather than try to manage how he is feeling or behaving.

      • Julie says:

        So, does that that mean love lanuages really aren’t true? No matter what, if you’re not having loving thoughts it doesn’t matter what they do to show you love? In relation to the gospel, Jesus atonement was an act of the love he felt for us, it doesn’t matter how much we love him because he feels that love himself? I’m just trying to understand this and wrap my head around this concept.

        • Jody says:

          I think there is a lot of value to understanding what your lower brain looks for when it’s seeking love and to understand that for your spouse as well (love languages) so I think it’s still a great concept to learn about. I just like my clients to remember that their higher brains are capable of believing anything they want to and that delegating your emotional life to another person is unfair and unnecessary. Christ atoned for everyone because yes… he loves us. We get to love him because loving him feels good and helps us be better people. He doesn’t need our love per say. Right? He can appreciate it but he loves us whether we love him or not.

  4. Val says:

    This was a fabulous episode! I love the applications for my children & my husband. I was especially grateful for the examples used with children, as that’s one of the main reasons I’m loving your podcasts! Thanks to both Brooke and Jody for this episode. I deeply appreciate what I’ve learned from it!!!

  5. BeenThere says:

    I listened too this podcast as my first interaction with your blog. I loved the advice that we are responsible for our own happiness and even our own sense of connection.
    What concerned me and really turned me of was the thought that the husband should have no other job than to just be there tho let tiu love him. This was followed by a remark that you were going to make out with him whether he likes it or not. To add injury to insult, he was then compared with a dog, in that he should have no more responsibility than to wash his tail happily when you come home and to let you pet him. This seems to border on misandry, and is very offensive. Perhaps your goal was to illustrate that it’s not his job to make you happy. I agree with that, but I’m offended by the idea that a husband should not be a partner in a relationship, but rather a plaything. I want no part of that.
    Please reconsider this dangerous idea. Spouses should have expectations of each other. They can communicate regarding responsibilities and agree on what expectations should be, but they shouldn’t see each other as eye candy or pets. And I’d your husband doesn’t want to make out, respect him and stop. I know it was partly a joke, but it’s not ok.

    • Jody says:

      Thanks for your concern. You COMPLETELY missed the point. Everything we are talking about is about loving your husband unconditionally for the man that he is. It’s not about putting him down. It’s the complete opposite of that. Most women believe they would love him more if he would change and what Brooke is suggesting here is that you love him exactly as he is. The analogy of the puppy is not meant to make him a play thing, but rather to illustrate that most people love their puppies and don’t expect them to change. They just love them as they are. It’s an analogy that helps so many people improve their marriages. You don’t have to agree with any of it but you’ve grossly misunderstood the message here. I know Brooke very well and she holds her husband and all men in the highest regard.

  6. Ashley says:

    I just found you, LOVE it, and can’t wait to sift through all your work! In this podcast you mentioned a link to a podcast by Brooke. Maybe I am missing something, but I would love the link! She has so many podcasts. Thanks!

  7. Julie says:

    Hmmmm. What about when it comes to physical affection and sex? I can’t make him do either with me. Both are essential aspects of the marriage relationship. How does one fulfill one’s own need to be hugged and held and have sex?

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